So time has passed since I actually wrote the below. No more girlfriends, no more lying. I ve told the truth. I am gay. But I am still not happy. Something is missing.
Sunday night. Alone in my room and time to think. See I live a very busy life and I do so on purpose. As the moment I am all alone and start thinking, I cant help start thinking that this life has no purpose. All I do is work, go gym and wild nights out on the town. I miss the deep conversations I used to have with my friend from Finland. I felt like I could say anything to her. She knows me. The true me. The person behind and now I will tell you why.
A few years back when I thought I met my The One my life took a turning. A complete u turn. Before meeting this guy I was a happy go lucky guy. I was happy with my life. Then came the one. The one that I will never forget. This gorgeous greek guy who I fell 100 percent for and this is what was dangerous love. Truly dangerous. There was such a strong bond between us. I almost moved in after like a few days. Too fast. Too much. Before I knew it I was going through a major depression. I d just burst out crying for no reason. He was very critical and a true perfectionnist and it made me feel I wasnt good enough, no one was good enough, I started not looking at myself in the mirror thinking I was the ugliest person on the planet, I lost all confidence and went mute. I was Mr Mute. I didnt know how to communicate and the longer it went on the worse it became. 2 years later. Nothing had changed. I was still mute. I didnt live. I just carried on without any purpose and though we broke up, we carried on. Like an old married couple - all fights, no sex. Then there was the change. He went travelling around the world and then I realised. I had to escape. I needed my exit. I needed time for me. You see , I always think about others first, and I come second. But I could not be walked over no more. I had to regain control and when he returned , I moved out and turned off my phone and never returned his numerous texts, emails and calls. You might call me a right twat . But this was the only way I could ever escape. I had to live with the threats that came as a results. I had hurt his feelings so badly and this was an atomic bomb waiting to drop. And it did. But time passed and now if I see him, we can speak. Although I am sorry he had to hear my drunken apology on my birthday night out. I could have decided to hate him because he did things you never should, but I know deep down he s a good guy, I just brought out the worst in him and it will haunt me forever. I still dont like the person I see in the mirror. I still have no confidence. Well I can after a few double vodkas, but who cant ? Still I do not know how to share my life. I am still quite mute. I ve come along way, but there s a lot of work to be done. I need to communicate. I need to raise my voice. I guess I hold back. I told the one all my secrets, and he used them against me. But I need to take that chance again. To live. Who cares if they dont like me? surely they wont like the mute me, as it just looks like I am a stuck up complete twat and I dont blame them for thinking so. So lets work on that. Take a chance. You only live once.
Sunday night. Alone in my room and time to think. See I live a very busy life and I do so on purpose. As the moment I am all alone and start thinking, I cant help start thinking that this life has no purpose. All I do is work, go gym and wild nights out on the town. I miss the deep conversations I used to have with my friend from Finland. I felt like I could say anything to her. She knows me. The true me. The person behind and now I will tell you why.
A few years back when I thought I met my The One my life took a turning. A complete u turn. Before meeting this guy I was a happy go lucky guy. I was happy with my life. Then came the one. The one that I will never forget. This gorgeous greek guy who I fell 100 percent for and this is what was dangerous love. Truly dangerous. There was such a strong bond between us. I almost moved in after like a few days. Too fast. Too much. Before I knew it I was going through a major depression. I d just burst out crying for no reason. He was very critical and a true perfectionnist and it made me feel I wasnt good enough, no one was good enough, I started not looking at myself in the mirror thinking I was the ugliest person on the planet, I lost all confidence and went mute. I was Mr Mute. I didnt know how to communicate and the longer it went on the worse it became. 2 years later. Nothing had changed. I was still mute. I didnt live. I just carried on without any purpose and though we broke up, we carried on. Like an old married couple - all fights, no sex. Then there was the change. He went travelling around the world and then I realised. I had to escape. I needed my exit. I needed time for me. You see , I always think about others first, and I come second. But I could not be walked over no more. I had to regain control and when he returned , I moved out and turned off my phone and never returned his numerous texts, emails and calls. You might call me a right twat . But this was the only way I could ever escape. I had to live with the threats that came as a results. I had hurt his feelings so badly and this was an atomic bomb waiting to drop. And it did. But time passed and now if I see him, we can speak. Although I am sorry he had to hear my drunken apology on my birthday night out. I could have decided to hate him because he did things you never should, but I know deep down he s a good guy, I just brought out the worst in him and it will haunt me forever. I still dont like the person I see in the mirror. I still have no confidence. Well I can after a few double vodkas, but who cant ? Still I do not know how to share my life. I am still quite mute. I ve come along way, but there s a lot of work to be done. I need to communicate. I need to raise my voice. I guess I hold back. I told the one all my secrets, and he used them against me. But I need to take that chance again. To live. Who cares if they dont like me? surely they wont like the mute me, as it just looks like I am a stuck up complete twat and I dont blame them for thinking so. So lets work on that. Take a chance. You only live once.
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