My problem was never actually being gay, but the associated lifestyle. I have always known I was gay. There was very clear signs from an early age. Having a strong interest in flowers and pointing out to our new neighbour at age six that I did not know that there was a yellow breed is clearly a sign of a gay gene. So was taking up dancing and never be able to throw that ball very far at the annual sports day. I still refused to admit it though. To myself and to everyone else. I guess growing up in a small town you were taught from the start that it simply was not acceptable. The years went by and I eventually ended up in the city of London. The place you are allowed to be gay. However I still remained in that famous closet. I simply did not want to transform into a cynical gay man who looks at relationships as an institution of time wasting only because they have been badly hurt once and find themselves running around the city showing their equipment off to more victims than any straight man would ever dream of. Are these men or shall we call them sex addicts genuinely truly satisfied by endless casual encounters ? Or simply a sign of their own insecurity and discomfort of being a bender? I was aware that at some point I had to abandon my straight life behind, but it seemed so much easier to stay with my girlfriend and have the comfort zone I needed which seemed unobtainable on the gay scene. However it would not be fair to her nor myself. I was living a lie.
Throughout life we search for some identity and we want to be respected for what we are. I just could not identify with what the gay scene seemed to represent. A word of labels and I am not referring to Prada or Gucci. We have ‘fems’, ‘queens’ and ‘muscle mary’ just to mention a few. Perhaps gay men simply have a different genetic make up consisting of either three x genes or y squared? Does being gay mean my biggest dream should be having tea with the queen followed by a kylie concert at G A Y Astoria? The problem I had with saying out loud that I was a bender was simply that I was terrified into being categorised into the mainstream perception of what gay actually means. Is it true that the majority of gay men actually are so different or is the scene simply creating a bias and intimidating the rest of us from coming out of that famous closet? Perhaps the underlying problem is that in our search for identity some of us overcompensate and change into one extreme or another. Or are we simply extreme? One cannot say that organising Eurovision orgy nights is anything but extreme. On the other hand it might just be me who is to afraid to reveal the true me? I am so straight acting. I am not alone. There are many of us. The term straight acting is probably the most widely used words on the gay scene. The majority of these so called straight benders are men trying to pretend to be something they are not. The term straight acting is a bit peculiar and perhaps self -destructive. What is acting straight? How straight acting is it to have sex with a man? Perhaps it makes it easier for many men to be gay if they can refer to themselves as straight and to advertise their sexy online dating profiles with the amazing results they obtained on their online straight acting test.
Gay men seem to have a strong need to classify themselves into certain groups, but is it not better to just be ourselves and not try to be what we think everyone else wants us to be or expects us to be? Why all these labels? Why do we group ourselves into the daddies at the corner, the bears in the other, the hot muscle boys in the middle with the ’fems’ drooling at the bar. Don’t we have more personality than that? It seems contradictory because we all come out from that famous closet to stop pretending to be something we are not but most of us keep on pretending after that painful process. Are we so used to acting that we just keep on doing it without actually realising it. Perhaps we are the best actors out there?
Throughout life we search for some identity and we want to be respected for what we are. I just could not identify with what the gay scene seemed to represent. A word of labels and I am not referring to Prada or Gucci. We have ‘fems’, ‘queens’ and ‘muscle mary’ just to mention a few. Perhaps gay men simply have a different genetic make up consisting of either three x genes or y squared? Does being gay mean my biggest dream should be having tea with the queen followed by a kylie concert at G A Y Astoria? The problem I had with saying out loud that I was a bender was simply that I was terrified into being categorised into the mainstream perception of what gay actually means. Is it true that the majority of gay men actually are so different or is the scene simply creating a bias and intimidating the rest of us from coming out of that famous closet? Perhaps the underlying problem is that in our search for identity some of us overcompensate and change into one extreme or another. Or are we simply extreme? One cannot say that organising Eurovision orgy nights is anything but extreme. On the other hand it might just be me who is to afraid to reveal the true me? I am so straight acting. I am not alone. There are many of us. The term straight acting is probably the most widely used words on the gay scene. The majority of these so called straight benders are men trying to pretend to be something they are not. The term straight acting is a bit peculiar and perhaps self -destructive. What is acting straight? How straight acting is it to have sex with a man? Perhaps it makes it easier for many men to be gay if they can refer to themselves as straight and to advertise their sexy online dating profiles with the amazing results they obtained on their online straight acting test.
Gay men seem to have a strong need to classify themselves into certain groups, but is it not better to just be ourselves and not try to be what we think everyone else wants us to be or expects us to be? Why all these labels? Why do we group ourselves into the daddies at the corner, the bears in the other, the hot muscle boys in the middle with the ’fems’ drooling at the bar. Don’t we have more personality than that? It seems contradictory because we all come out from that famous closet to stop pretending to be something we are not but most of us keep on pretending after that painful process. Are we so used to acting that we just keep on doing it without actually realising it. Perhaps we are the best actors out there?
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